Darth Gaylord Cares

The Failed Case

2005-02-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

There comes a time in one's life... when, although he has dedicated his life to helping people... there is just one patient you just can't cure. This was a sad, sad case. I was heartbroken that I could not help this lowlife. Now, this... this... this being... was so low that I could do nothing. His name was HTL... and this is how the failed case went...

Me: Oooooook.... Today, we have.... HTL!!!!!

HTL: Uh, hi people...

Me: Please, sit my friend... and tell me your problem.

HTL: Well, guys... I have a really big problem man.

Me: What is it?

HTL: It big.

Me: [sighs] I know, but what is ailing you?

HTL: I don't know, man? How should I know?

Me: Ummm................ How about we call on a friend?

HTL: What's a... 'friend'?

Me: Ooooooooooooooooooooook... umm.... let's call Tim Dai! [picks up phone and dials number] Hello? This is Darth Gaylord from Darth Gaylord Cares.

Tim: What the f-beep?

Me: Right. Anyway, we'd like you to come to our show to help us solve a little problem with one of your friends.

Tim: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. YOOOOOOOOOO! Sure, man-dude.

Me: Great. We're sending in a chopper to pick you up.

Tim: Cooooooool! An Apache helicopter! BADOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

1 hour later...

Me: Ah! Welcome, Tim my friend.

Tim: [holding up shock fingers] You wanna die?

Me: Oooook.... EveryoneassociatedwithHTLisdisturbed... anyway, we'd like you to tell us the problems HTL has.

HTL: Hey, man! I know my problems! They're drugs, bludging, ****ity, too much brute force, not enough thinking, gayness [rattles off on and on]

Me: But.... you... you just said you don't know what your problems are...

HTL & Tim: [holding up shock fingers] You wanna die?

Me: Ok..... well, what's your worst problem?

HTL: Uh, bludging, man! I can't stop bludging!

Me: Ok, first we have to discuss the details of this problem...

HTL: Is there any way we can bludge through this?

Me: Um.... nooo..... we have to talk about it...

HTL: Oh! Cool! What a bludge!

Me: [into wrist microphone] Don.

Don (Head Of Security): Wassup?

Me: [whispers into his ear] tsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsptsp...

Don brings back a large handgun.

Me: I'm sorry, but you people are too disturbed.

Fires one shot into HTL's head, and one in Tim's. Tim collapses onto the sofa. HTL hits the ground and studio shakes with an earthquake at 9 on the richter scale.

And sadly, that's how it ended. They died miserably, both horribly disturbed. And that is my failed case. I am in over my head with this ordeal, sad that I could not cure two horribly messed up guys... or according to their pre-show tests... girls.
But please don't be discouraged by this failure. If you have a problem, e-mail me at tinu96@hotmail.com, and you can join my show in Gaytown, Gaystate, Algeria. Thanks, driver.

Copyright 2005. Succumb to my power x3. Hello. People. Noshni noshini shaba ni. I care.

My Third Case

2005-02-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

This third case was a very unusual one, with a quite unusual person. But of course, I regard all people as unique and special. This man is unlike anyone I have ever met before. I used to think he was heroic, and I used to think he was imaginary, but now, I realise that he is truly, truly... a messed up druggie. Albeit a unique one. I present to you, my fellow viewers... Batman. he came over specially to my studio for personal help, and I am glad I managed ot help out. Here's what happened.

Batman: [sobs] Boo hoo hoo! Oh, God! Please, Mr. Gaylord! Please help me!

Batman staggers and nearly trips.

Me: Wait! Please, sit, Batman, and have something to drink! How about some water?

Batman: *sniff* *sniff* OK. Yes, please.

Batman accepts the water and tips some whiskey into it.

Me: Now, old friend. What is the problem?

Batman: [drunkenly] Well.... *belch* I... I... I'm stuffed bad, man! [bursts into tears] WWWWAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Me: Oh, there there... [pats Batman on the back] Please. Tell me what happened, first.

Batman: *sniff* *sniff* Well... [swigs from a bottle of Scotch] It all began when... *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* [bursts into tears] WWAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ROBIN LEFT ME! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh poor, poor you! Why did he leave?

Batman: [drains his Scotch bottle] *sniff* Well, I always loved Robin... he was so hot in his multicoloured tights... And then I finally told him... and... and...

Me: Yes?

Batman: HE LEFT ME!!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh no! How bad! But guess what... I have a special guest for you on the show...

Batman: [shoots drugs into his arm] Wh...Wh...Who?

Me: Come on in............ ROBIN!

Robin runs in.

Robin: [crying] I didn't know you actually meant that you loved me!

Batman: [crying] I... I... I did!

Robin: [crying] Now I know! And Batman... I LOVE YOU TOO!

They hug and kiss.

This next part was ten months after I reunited Batman and Robin. The crime in the world had dropped 65%, and the newly wed couple joined me on my show again.

Batman: Really, I must thank you for saving my relationship ten months ago.

Robin: Yeah! We're even going to adopt a child!

Me: Oh, wow! That's great! Well, I hope the best for you romantic guys, and, thanks for being on my show!

Batman/Robin: No... Thank YOU, Darth Gaylord.

So you can see that even the most elusive, fantastic people join me on my show and you know why? It is because I, Darth Gaylord... CARE. If you have any problems, please e-mail me at tinu96@hotmail.com or you can join my talk show in Gaytown, Gaystate, Algeria OR you can chat to me on MSN messenger and I will post our conversation on the Cares site. Thanks for dropping by, friends.

My Second Case

2004-11-24T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today a well known person came to seek help from me. I regard him as a special person, as all people are special. This was a man with a genuine problem. This man's name was Osama Bin Laden. The conversation was in Arabic, but because I am so skilled and I know all, I can speak Arabic fluently. Here's what happened (translated to English):

Osama: Ah, my good firend [this is actually translated as that]. I am in a very very [censored]ed up problem. That man -

Me: Wait, wait, old friend! Sit, and have some refreshments!

Osama Bin Laden sits.

Me: Now, tell me your problem.

Osama: Ah me, you see, that presidente man George W. Bush is after me again. At first he started off going after my late father's cousin's son's sister's boyfriend's friend's roommate, Saddam Hussein. But now he is after me again, and I have no where to go!

Me: Ah, my friend. I have the perfect solution. Go right up to Bush, and land him a punch in the nose with a pretzel. He will fear it and you will be able to go on with your pleasant schemes.

Osama: Ah! Yes! That is the answer! Thank you, oh Glorious Darth! I love you, mon! Please, accept this AK-47 to kill Eternal Shananigans with!

Osama hands me an AK-47.

Osama then skips off happily.

I have not seen him since, but the recent bombings and riots lead me to believe he is doing well. And also when he took over an Afghanistan TV station for 5 minutes to thank me.

So as you can see, I care, even about the most dangerous, yet unique people. Please e-mail me your problems and join me at tinu96@hotmail.com or join my show in my hometown: Gaytown, Gaystate, Algeria. And remember. I care.

My First Case

2004-11-24T05:52:00.000-08:00

A very special person came to me today, requesting me advice when he saw the Darth Gaylord Cares blog. He had a very unique issue that I was very keen to sort out. This person's name was Pinto Gazuelez, from Spain. This conversation was in Spanish, but because I am so skillful and I know all, I can speak Spanish fluently. Here's what happened (translated to English):

Pinto: Greetings, O Glorious One.

Me: Ah, Pinto, sit down and tell me your problem, and I will gladly sort it out.

Pinto sits down.

Pinto: Ah me, I am in school, and because I tried to act cool, everyone bashed me up and then my self-esteem plummeted. Now I do not do well, and Mother has kicked me out. I do not know what to do and I need your advice!

Me: Ah, Pinto... Do not fret! I am here to help! The first thing to do is to get your self-esteem back. Walk right up to the toughest guy in school and shove him into the pig sty! This will attract all the foxy ladies and you will feel cool again! That way, you can boost your marks and your Mother will take you back in!

Pinto: Ah, what Glorious advice! I worship you, O Glorious One! Thank you for helping me! I love you, man!

Pinto gets up and leaves, skipping happily.

This next part is what happened when Pinto returned to my talk show, all cured from his problem. He was happy and full of life. I am so glad he turned out fine:

Pinto enters, surrounded by foxy ladies.

Me: Ah, Pinto, how are you?

Pinto: Ah, Senor! I am so happy! I am cured. I went up to Big Donias and pushed him in the pig sty, and all the girls went crazy for me! Right now, as you see, I am surrounded by foxy ladies! My self-esteem is back up, and my marks are excellent! Mother has taken me in, and I have gotten a PHD degree! I am now Dr. Pinto Gazuelez! Thank you! I thank the Sun god that I listened to you! O Glorious One!

Me: That's very good Pinto. I'm glad you are successful!

So as you can see, I care and i love to help out people. Their problems present a challenge, and I help people lose their problems. Please, see that I care about all you special folks. You are all unique and special.

Copyright 2004. Pinto Gazuelez is a real person who came to see Darth Gaylord. All rights reserved. Join me. I care. Come to my talk show.

Darth Gaylord Cares

2004-11-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. I am so special and sympathetic and nice and I care about your problems. Talk to me, and not some Spanish hunk wannabe. I care about all of you, because you are all special, too. Join me on my afternoon talkshow, in my hometown: Gaytown, Gaystate, Algeria. And remember. I care.

Copyright 2004. Darth Gaylord may not actually care, but at least he tries. All rights reserved. Join me. I care.

2004-11-23T15:05:00.000-08:00

This is me, the evil, supreme Overlord, Darth Gaylord. I have added this picture now that I have gone back in time.

Back in Time

2004-11-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

Hello. This is Darth Gaylord, at Darth Gaylord Cares. I know I posted and introduced this blog a little late and slow, so I have taken the liberty to use my excessive brains and intelligence to create a time machine, and come back in time to here. I have come back to help you lower, but special beings with your problems, because as you all know, I care. So e-mail me your problem, and I will gladly sort it out. If you are unable to come to Gaytown, Gaystate, Algeria, talk to me on MSN Messenger. my e-mail is tinu96@hotmail.com. And remember. I care.

Copyright 2004. Darth Gaylord may not be able to meet you on MSN at all times, but still e-mail him and say the time and day and date you wish to speak to him. All rights reserved. I care.